There's nothing like a comfortable bus ride ...

I have been asked to add some of my Victor Meldrew type thoughts to the blog by some of you guys so here is one.

There's nothing like a comfortable bus ride.......

The 2.5 hour trip from Luang Prabang to Nong Khiaw in a minivan was uneventful if a little cramped. 2 days of quiet village life and chilled tubing was soon finished and it was time for the return journey. The local bus station was as confusing and misinforming as only SE Asia can be. Basically turn up and run the gauntlet of local buses throughout the morning or minivan back at 13:00. The problem being that if the minivan wasn't full they wait until it is. If it doesn't fill then they drop you back to the guesthouse to stay another night. We had a boat to Thailand to catch so we ambled on in to see what was available.

My worst fear which we had so far avoided was a cramped smelly local bus, bags on the roof and livestock inside.. Now I realise some of you reading this will have had worse journeys - so have I, but this time we were more flashpacker than backpacker. Swallowing 4 sleeping tablets and passing out during a bus ride doesn't do it for me anymore, I am too old and decrepit for all that and need a VIP option. A local truck with a roof and flat bench seats was leaving in 30 minutes, we decided to brave it. The seats had near enough no padding and it just looked like a big Tuk Tuk to be honest, bags went on roof and we climbed aboard. The front seat in the cabin was bagged by a German lady, who was decidedly smug until a local told her to budge up as it sat 2!!

The bus seated 15 locals but 10-12 westerners was more realistic. There were 5 westies and 3 locals, we were just about to go and 2 Germans turned up on their tandem and it looked like they didn't fancy the ride back. Bike went on the roof and they climbed in so up to 7 and 3 and we were all fairly comfortable. Off we set along a very bumpy road, I knew it wasn't going to be the comfortablest 4 hours but I had little idea of what was to come. We stopped for fuel and then continued on our merry way. I was hanging off the roof bars to stop my spine compacting to half its size as we bounced along the potholed road. 2 questions sprang to mind - Why don't they repair this road? Why has this bus thing got any suspension? both remain unanswered to this day.

We started slowing down and stopped, I wondered why? 2 ladies were waiting, it looked like that it wasn't going to be as comfortable as it had been. With them they bought 4 sackfuls of god knows what and various buckets and other bags. The sacks were chucked in with us and the ladies got aboard. We were up to 12. 5 minutes went by and we stopped again, my heart sank as a lady got in with her little boy, 13.5 and it was getting cramped. With her she bought a cardboard box full of live chicks, I could hear them tweeting away. So now as well as getting chucked about everywhere, I couldn't put my legs out. The cool breeze had ceased and now it was like a fan oven in the back. We stopped again and couple got in with their little one, 16. They also has assorted bags, and sacks which after flying off the roof and recovered were stuffed in the back with us.

I wasn't happy and could see Karen's face didn't have her usual smile either!! At least we were now so cramped that we had to refuse 2 ladies who had what looked like to be 3/4 ton of luggage and sacks with them, phew no more could fit. Wrong! we pulled over and a couple jumped in with motorbike helmets and squeezed in. Now we were 18, they put their helmets on, did they know something we didn't??

We pulled over and 1 guy got out of the front and the lady with her child moved into the front next to the German lady, ha!! 17 and it gave me precious inches of leg room for about 5 minutes when we pulled over again and another guy jumped aboard with us, sitting on top of me - back to 18. So on we went, I noticed as we drive on the right hand side of the road, the driver when going around left hand corners was hitting the apex's like Schumacher. To do this he went across to the wrong side of the road on blind bends. My fear being that if something else was coming the other way. I now christened it the Loas death bus co ltd.

Stopping again and a girl got in the front seat behind the driver, now 19. The local guy next to me tried to push me to get more room, he was never going to win the battle of the bulk and retreated after a 10 minute battle of wills.

Victor Meldrew winning the battle of the bulk!

The death bus fan oven torture chamber continued its journey, with the German cyclist couple waving to many cyclists who they obviously knew when we overtook them. My mind was on overdrive by this time and I was thinking in my best Jim Royal voice "Lazy buggers, you should be out there with them, give us some bloody room in here".

Even though I had dehydrated myself, 2 hours in and I had my legs crossed to add to my agony. My back felt like someone had stabbed it and left the knife in place. The only way we were going to stop was for more passengers or in a twisted tangle of burning wreckage after a head on collision with another death bus. Time started ticking backwards and I was considering offering the Germans a hire fee for their Tandem on the roof and cycling the last 50km in the burning heat. I heard the chicks tweeting in their box and felt sorry for them, then decided that they had more room than I did.

20km and 30 minutes to go and we stopped for the loo!! Why?? Over 4 hours had passed and another 30 minutes wasn't going to help. I couldn't bloody well go anyway!!. We arrived at our destination hot, cramped and grumpy but in one piece.

There is nothing like a comfortable bus ride and that was nothing like a comfortable bus ride!!